Wednesday, October 15, 2014

Growing up a burden

I knew I was one from a very young age.
No meltdowns or any emotions tolerated.
Fear instilled from a young age.
Feelings were mocked and laughed at, tears dismissed.

"There is nothing wrong"
"It's not that loud. Stop acting like a fool."
"You're always overreacting"
"Stop embarrassing me"

Standing over me, demanding the words that would not come.
I feared her as much as she hated me. I hate her now.
I always told myself she did the best she could but I know now it just isn't true.

Everything was about her. My neurology only mattered in how they affected her.
It was all about her- any attention she could get and the lies she told to get it.
I hated myself and felt broken and unwanted.
Being told by your mother that they wish you were dead has that effect.
Verbal, physical and psychological abuse for many years.
Until one day I could not be complicit.

And now we stay away. I won't let her make my children feel that way.
They are perfect, as we all are in our messy imperfect ways.
We are not broken because of our neurologies. We are not burdens.
I walked many miles and the destination is the same.

My mother was a monster. Is a monster. She did not kill me but she broke my spirit and wore me down.
I felt completely worthless and humiliated.
I will not be that mother.

My autistic children have been beloved and treasured from the moment they were born.
Our lives are far from perfect and they are not always easy.
My children are safe and I will ensure that they will stay that way with every breath I have.
They do not have to comply or be trained to be anyone other than who they already are.
They do not live in fear like I did.
History will NOT be repeated.

It's a daily struggle to acknowledge I am worthy and enough.
Children deserve to be raised by parents who do not view them as a nuisance or someone whose will needs to be broken.
It is not about *me*, it's about my children's right to dignity, life and privacy.
Behavior is communication. Always. Mine was but no one was listening.

I will continue to give my children what I didn't have. To give them what they deserve because mothers are meant to protect and love their children.
They should keep them safe from harm as much as humanly possible.
Intimate or difficult moments of my children's lives will not be shared publicly. Ever. Not for money or pity or "awareness".

Issy, my heart breaks for what you have been through. Your life has so much value. Moms don't always do the best they could. I thought mine did and I was wrong. It was hard to admit someone who I relied on for everything could willingly cause me so much harm.
May you always and only feel surrounded by the unconditional love you deserved all those years.

You matter Issy. You matter. You matter. You matter.
- Anonymous

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